so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
