I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
