my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
