Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
