i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
