i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
