I accidentally had phone sex last night
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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