How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
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I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
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The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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