Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
