I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
His nipple licking is glorious
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