last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
