Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
