I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
