How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
