The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize