that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
