So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
