my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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