Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
