I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
please come you make the beer taste better
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
