I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
