The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
