mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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