my mouth tastes like poor choices
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
