my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
