I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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