So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
you're hired as official boob wrangler
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
