I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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