Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
