k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
God I need to hump something, right now.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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