saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
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He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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