even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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