i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Randomize
