If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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