Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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