how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
We are two peas in an std pod
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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