You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
