I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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