His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
