My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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