Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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