i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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