how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
