Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
She announced her abortion via fbk
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Randomize
