So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
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She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
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I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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