just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
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