Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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