I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
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