I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
