at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
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