Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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