just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
