life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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