Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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